Why She Fell
by gwynntownley
Summary: This is a partial retelling of the events of Hollyleaf's Story; I will not be writing every part and I will be mostly filling the blanks of what happens offscreen. This will also be mostly from Fallen Leaves' perspective, with some Hollyleaf POV. Content Warning: Depression, Attempted suicide, Genocide
1. Awakening

It was dark for a long time after the rocks closed in.

I felt nothing- an absence not unfamiliar. I did not feel empty; rather, I felt as if I had escaped to the silence I had longed for.

I was happy now, without StarClan or prophecies or brothers or anything.

That was, until soft light filtered through the cracks of rocks, and my claws touched damp earth. My eyes opened and I breathed deeply. The air was stuffy and humid.

I had no time to ponder about where I was or what had led me there because, just when my mind began wandering, a limp flash of silver landed between my paws.

A fish. But stronger than my urge to eat it was my wondering if where it came from. Looking up, I saw a handsome dappled tom, with eyes that looked both kind and pained.

They were eyes I knew well.

Instinctively I reached up to touch noses- for that was the standard greeting for a friendly stranger.

"Thanks-"

I stopped because something was wrong. My nose felt nothing press against it but thick air, and as I blinked in surprise the stranger was gone.

At once I had lost my appetite, though what I found stranger was that I had any appetite at all. Where had that will suddenly come from, to feed myself, when for so long that drive evaded me?

What had changed since I fell?

* * *

Hey guys! So this is my take on Hollyleaf's Story. While this chapter is just same ol Hollyleaf, I plan to have most of this fanfic be from Fallen Leaves' perspective. Also, this take will be a little darker than the novella, though for the most part this will probably read as an au/reqrite rather than a totally separate story.


	2. The Tunnel Guardian

"You did what?" The great Tunnel Guardian snapped, spitting as he paced angrily along the precipice. While the ancient tom was always difficult, I had never before seen him so enraged. It was a truly terrible sight. "How foolish can you be?"

I stared at the damp earth below. In shame, I suppose, but also because I could not bear seeing his huge blind eyes contorted so. I had done it this time.

But it was my duty to make clear my intention. The Guardian was a stickler for tradition, but perhaps if I could appeal to his softer qualities...

"She was starving," I pleaded. "And hopeless besides. That sort of energy does not belong in the Tunnels."

"The Hopeless One doesn't belong in the Tunnels at all!" Came his clarion retort. Some spirits much more time-worn than I materialized along the walls, frightened out of hiding by his tone. "If she wishes she was dead, let her be!"

It was this comment that drove me into a fervor. In my moment of emotional certainty I become material, allowing soft moss to wrap itself around my sallow paws. Thick air pressed against my fur and I regretted my excitement. However, it was my only hope. "You're only angry because I showed myself. But the surface-dwellers believe in the Star Spirits... Why not Tunnel Spirits?"

Rock froze for a moment, and so did my heart as he faced me. His moonlike eyes stared right through my very essence, and I could feel my physical presence fade along with my conviction. He crawled down the tall ledge he perched upon, lowering himself to my eye level.

I took one pawstep back, and another. His leer was nearly too much to bear.

"Fine," he growled in an intimidating, gutteral way. "Feed her. Talk to her. Whatever you want to do. But don't come crying to me when more surface-dwellers come seeking our wisdom, and the tranquility of the Tunnels is destroyed forever."

I understood what he said, but I dared not let it discourage me. I was giddy. "Oh, thank you! I promise I won't let you down!"

I left the Guardian's Cave in high optimism. The air felt fresher now, perhaps because my spirits were lifted so. A stream calmly trickled beside me, the shadows of tiny fish dancing inside the current. And now, for once, the sun's rays shone through the cracks of loose rocks, lavishing its light upon the few areas it reached.

Though it had been only a short while since she arrived so mysteriously, and brought a landslide with her, for once the caverns felt hospitable and lively; for that he was especially grateful.

"There you are," she whispered, her head turned away from me, gaze averted. I was disappointed; I wanted to see her verdant eyes again. It was what I remembered most from our first encounter. "Now, would you mind telling me where I am, and why I'm not dead?"

* * *

Wow- two chapters in one day! I spent a long time editing this one, so I hope that was worth it.


	3. Climbing Up the Walls

"When you fell," I explained slowly, "you very narrowly missed the falling rocks, due to the speed at which you were running. However, you landed hard enough in the floor to have been knocked out cold."

The Hopeless One shook her head. "That's not what I meant. I mean, why are you helping me? Who are you, really?"

This would be a difficult one to answer. I shuffled my paws, unsure of whether I ought to reveal my true identity. After all, a lie would not last for very long. At some point she would see me dematerialize, and she would only be angrier if I hid my lifelessness from her.

"I can't tell you much, I'm afraid," was my tentative response. "For the Tunnel Guardian would not like me being so liberal with our secrets."

She nodded, though her muscles were still tense beneath her long pelt, and her eyes flickered between me and the shifting walls uneasily.

"The Tunnel... Guardian?" She repeated, and I nodded. "You mean, Rock?"

Murmurs rippled along the cave walls and ceiling. The spirits were not used to surface-dwellers using his name so openly.

"I suppose, but you should really just call him the Guardian. Anyhow, I can tell you a little about myself, but the Tunnels and their workings must remain a secret between us who are bound to it, understand?"

She nodded, and I believed she really did understand why it was so important to keep so much from her.

"My name is Fallen Leaves. I lived long ago, and died here, sentenced to a Trial by my family which I failed. Many who lurk in the darkest caverns have a fate similar to mine; they starved or drowned trying to be named sharpclaws. I am one of the few Ancients who prefers the occasional sunbeam, so that was why you met me first.

"The spirits on the walls are much older. They have mostly forgotten how to speak, and with no exceptions they cannot remember their past. They lived long before even my society first stepped paw on the sands beside the Lake. The few who do speak claim to have known Rock, and remember when there were three Tribes."

The mention of Tribes really struck the Hopeless One, for a reason I could not guess. After all, didn't surface-dwellers live in 'Clans' now? Weren't the times of Tribes long dead?

"Stop calling me the Hopeless One," she said sternly, a sudden change of the subject I was not comfortable with. After all, I wanted to know why my words unnerved her so. "I am Hollyleaf, of ThunderClan. Address me as such."

"You can read minds?"

"No, idiot. I can hear the wall-spirits whispering, and I overheard you talking with R- the Guardian. What were you saying about the Tribes?"

"Ah, yes, about that..."

* * *

This was mostly an exposition chapter, sorry! I'll have one with more character and plot-driven stuff soon, but next chapter will also probably be a lot of Tribe lore, so, y'know, bear with me here.


	4. Ancient Names

Hi guys! I know the last chapter was a lot of ancient exposition, but this chapter is too! If you don't care about lore, feel free to skip this one. It's really not mandatory and it's basically just a big infodump.

Next chapter will have stuff, I promise!

* * *

"Tribes..." the walls moaned in a tumble of overlapping voices. "Fire, Water, Air..."

"The walls are correct," I said as the ancient spirits stilled once more. "There were three Tribes, branches from one.

"See, when Jay's Wing brought the Ancients from the Lake to the Tribelands, some cats did not wish to go. When he disappeared back to the Lake, they no longer had an incentive, so half of them moved.

"They braved bleak leaf-bares and scorching greenleafs, until finally they arrived at the Sundrownplace."

Hollyleaf's eyes widened. It was evident she had heard of the place where the endless water swallows the sun.

"There are cats living there?"

"Were. They were a warrior society, built on bloodshed, and died as they willed- on the battlefield. However, their Guardian, Midnight, still lives to defend the memory of the Tribe of the Rising Sun."

Hollyleaf flexed her claws and her eyes darted away from me. I was nearly about to scold her for ignoring my exposition when I realized her eyes were locked on the walls' claw markings. "This is the history of the warriors."

"Indeed, can you read it?"

She placed a paw on what looked like a crude scratching of three small cats. They sat below a tall, regal figure, whose relief in the wall seemed to glow, strangely enough. Her mew was quiet. "This is my family."

Her gaze lingered on the marks, and we sat in silence for a time. Finally she spoke again. "Tell me about the third Tribe. There was the Tribe of Rushing Water, loyal to their ancestors, the Tribe of the Rising Sun, bloodthirsty warriors, and then..?"

"Tribe..." came the Wall's response. "Of Open... Air."

"And who are they?" Hollyleaf asked, her voice sharp and high, like a kit's.

That I did not know. While I always knew there were three Tribes, the Tunnel Guardian never told me any information about the third. I never thought it was that important.

"They," choked the oldest spirits, so old that their ability to materialize or remember themselves had vanished with time. "Are we."


	5. Update! ( bonus info)

Hey guys!!

No chapter today, sorry.

Instead I wanted to lay out what I plan for my upload schedule to be. I might skip stuff, I might not be able to do 100% as this is kind of just a side project, but here's my plan!

Monday: Chapter rewrite. Basically a direct retelling of a scene from Hollyleaf's Story. It may or may not be in chronological order. These will usually be in Fallen Leaves' perspective, to add some more novelty.

Tuesday: Totally new chapter, not at all adapted from Hollyleaf's Story. These chapters will usually be a lot darker, as I just naturally write darker content. Point of view will vary.

Thursday: Exposition chapter, or an update. Usually this will be some sort of flashback to Hollyleaf's life, and will show off some of the more alternate universe-y aspects of the fic. These will be mostly skippable and will also probs be a lot shorter.

* * *

Okay, let's talk AU!

So, what does AU mean? It stands for "alternate universe", and it's kind of like when you rewrite part of the canon plot to suit some sort of narrative.

This fic is an AU of Hollyleaf's Story and in fact most of PoT, so here I just wanted to detail what is different from the books:

* Hollyleaf wasn't just running away from her problems when she ran into the tunnels; she knew the tunnels were unstable and was attempting suicide.

* Lionblaze killed Ashfur, not Hollyleaf, and he did so in front of everyone else in the Fire Scene. Hollyleaf descended down her dark path because she could not keep Lionblaze's secret.

* Obviously the whole Three Tribes thing is all made up too lmao


	6. Healing

It had been a half-moon now since Hollyleaf, the Hopeless One, fell into the Tunnels, and her leg had almost healed. I'd been keeping her busy with stories of the ancient Tribes and wall-scrawlings, but with each passing day she grew more and more restless. After all, today was the day.

The day she would finally walk.

Her leg was still a mess of scars from the fall; some, I reassured her, were temporary. Others were there long before the incident. Those would be permanent.

I helped her to stand. It was difficult to remain material, but less so than before. Perhaps the presence of a surface dweller gave my form more persevereance than usual?

"I think I can take it from here," she said breathlessly. Her eyes swam with nausea. I remembered when I first awoke as a spirit, after my death; it must feel similar to stand for the first time in a half-moon; that combination of an aching body and a restless soul.

I moved away from her, my physical presence fading like mist in the sunlight. "I should be seeing the Guardian. I'll check on you later; you should stay in this part of the caverns. The areas with sunlight."

The dark she-cat scoffed, but nodded. "I'm not a kit! I know how to take care of myself."

I didn't know how much I believed her, considering it was her lack of self-care that led her here. But it wasn't my place to prod. At least, not any more than I had already.

Besides, I had business to do. The wall-spirits were whispering among themselves of a meeting between Guardians, and I wanted in.

* * *

Yeah! The first actual chapter adaptation! This is the first part of chapter three, if I remember correctly.


	7. The Starflower

The Guardians gathered only when it was of utmost importance, and I had only heard him announce one once before, when the Three were born. Now they were meeting again.

But why? Why were they compelled to unite together once more? What great matter was to be decided on?

I wanted to know, so I slunk after Rock as he entered a cavern I was unfamiliar with. Even more bizarre than a cave I never knew existed was the small, starlike flower that bloomed from a large, mossy boulder situated in the centre. How did it survive down here this long, with no sunlight or water?

"Starflower, give me strength," Rock whispered, dipping his nose to the centre of the five-pointed flower. Watching what was surely an ancient and powerful ritual, I recognized that I was not meant to be there.

But that wasn't going to stop me.

After a moment, Rock closed his eyes, and his form faded into just a wisp of smoke, which dissapated soon after.

I came closer. My eyes were transfixed on the dainty little flower before me. I tried to recall what Rock had said.

"Star... flower," I stumbled. "Give me strength?"

The petals felt cold and corpselike as I pressed my nose to it. I could feel my fur bristle. A chill gripped my spine, and refused to let go.

Nary another heartbeat passed before I, like Rock, vanished into the realm of the Guardians.

* * *

Oooh, action! Too bad next chapter will be basically just an explanation of how the Guardians work.

If you're reading this, thank you for sticking with me, and this, for so long!!


	8. Lost in Time and Space

Announcement!! So, in case you missed my update post, all Thursday/weekend posts are basically just loredumps. Because my au for this fanfic is a little... dense, so I write these chapters to help aid that. However, they are a little boring, and if you aren't into that kind of backstory stuff, maybe skip this one?

* * *

So, the next chapter of my story was mainly dream-travel, so I'll spare you the details of that.

While I was floating aimlessly, between the world of the waking and the Guardians, I had time to muse upon their workings.

There were five Guardians I knew of, to guard the five lands considered sacred to cat-kind.

First was Grey Wing, Guardian of the Old Forest. That was where all those surface-dwellers migrated from, if I understood Hollyleaf correctly. He was far beyond my time, and I knew little of him, though I knew he was revered as a brilliant tactician and founder of the Modern Clans.

Next, there was Midnight. She ruled the Sundrownplace, a vast expanse of water, too turbulent and fierce to be tamed by any cat. She buried the last Sandteller, of the Tribe of the Rising Sun, and in fact he had been the one who taught her the cat tongue. I knew more of she, as she was old enough to remember the old Tribes that my family became over time.

Third, there was Half Moon. I remembered her well, as she was alive during my time. She was always sweet, but a little too trusting, so I was not surprised she was chosen as Guardian over the Tribelands. They are the "Mountains of Faith", after all.

Unfortunately I did not know The Gorge's Guardian quite so well. His name was Skywatcher. All I knew was that he helped found a fifth, forgotten Clan. But, I believed I had no business with these modern 'Clans', so I, regretfully, dismissed him.

...And we have Rock. And I trust we know his story; or, at least, we accept that he doesn't really have one. He always existed. And he will always exist, for as long as cats roam the wild.

And it was that final thought, when I had acknowledged all Guardians one by one, that I unwittingly completed my journey to the world of Guardians.


	9. The Origin of the Three

I hope this one is a good balance between exposition and action!! I kinda have a problem with dumping lore and y'all, evidently, but I'll try in the future to add more action

* * *

Water rippled from all around me, dancing and dodging between my paws and tail-tip. A blue expanse stretched as far as my eye could see, and the only other colour to my eyes were the dark crags that split up the Sundrownplace. There were five of them.

Five for each Guardian.

One by one, they arrived from nothing, settling on each rock like nesting hawks.

Cowering in the centre, I felt like a tiny rabbit.

Bound to be tossed around as prey between the most powerful cats (and badger) of the spirit world.

They did not acknowledge me.

"Skywatcher," a heavyset grey cat greeted, his kind, warm eyes resting on the dappled tom sitting across from him. "You were the one to call this meeting. Why?"

Rock thrashed his tail impatiently, and roared between frustrated mutters: "No valid reason, I'd guess... Skywatcher loves making a fuss, after all."

Uneasy laughter echoed among them, and that feeling I felt when I first witnessed the Starflower returned to me. That clawing thought that I was not meant to be here.

"Mmm," Midnight rumbled. "Rock, patience. Skywatcher is young, but not fool. He is wise as any Guardian."

Skywatcher dipped his head to her respectably before speaking. "I have dire news of the Three, the Three we gave the powers of the Stars."

Half Moon, who had been laying splayed across her rock, eyes closed peacefully, shot up suddenly. "How dire?"

I was curious now. Well, more than I was before. Were they talking about the same Three from the Tunnel scrawlings? Wasn't Hollyleaf one of them?

"One of them has died," Skywatcher announced, and Midnight dipped her head solemnly. The rest of them followed, all but Rock.

"Which one, Hollyleaf?" Rock hissed. "The Hopeless One never showed any abilities to begin with. It was never really a Three, but Two."

There was a heavy silence now, broken only as Midnight rose upward from sitting. "It was always Three. It will be again. I have plan."

Half Moon's eyes were wide and worried as she spoke. "But, if Hollyleaf had no ability, as Rock claims, why? We gifted them their power- why did hers not take hold?"

"Simple," Grey Wing had been quiet for a long while, so his sudden speaking took the attention of every Guardian, and myself. "We gave them each abilities because we knew they would need to brave many challenges no ordinary cat could face on their own. Lionblaze, the Mindless One, was to be a tool for the Dark Forest. As the name implies, he was destined to fight with no regard for who, or why. If we did not find a way to stop him, he would have destroyed everything.

"So, strange as it may be, we gave him ultimate strength in battle. This scared him; he grappled with how unfair his battles were, and he convinced himself to stay on the path of good.

"Jayfeather was the Heartless One; his path would be one of cruelty. Unable to be a warrior, he was destined to be a medicine cat. However, he was unfeeling, and cared not for the patients in his care.

"So we gave him empathy. He can feel how others feel as if it were his own emotions. He can walk in their dreams, and see their fears.

"We tried to give Hollyleaf unwavering conviction in herself, to try and keep her from the depression that was dated to consume her, but it did not work because determination is a state of mind, not a power, and at some point she lost it completely. Lionblaze became the Soulful, and Jayfeather the Heartful, but Hollyleaf remained the Hopeless."

Those words remained in my mind long after they left the ancient tom's throat.

Could I give Hollyleaf back her conviction?

It seemed the Guardians had more to say, but I was on a mission now.

I needed to return to the Hopeless One, and give her back her power.

The power of Hope.


	10. Memories

I needed only open my eyes forcefully to be thrust back into the waking world. That sweet, nascent scent of the surface was one I had forgotten, but the Starflower brought those memories back.

I stood up slowly, the feeling of weight fading from my body as I became a phantom once more.

I needed to find Hollyleaf.

The tunnels felt gloomier than ever before. But that was only because the dream-world had been so ethereal and luminous, such that everything in the real world paled in comparison.

Finding her was not as difficult as I expected, considering the vastness and complexity of the Tunnels. Hollyleaf was drinking from the broadest end of the river when I spotted her, her leg splayed out awkwardly beside her. She looked up and, noticing me, blinking her eyes welcomingly. "You again."

"Yes, me," I said, laughing breathily. It had been so long since I'd laughed sincerely. "Have you been getting on okay?"

She shook her head slowly, eyes dark as the shadows cast behind her. "Everything hurts. But..."

"But?"

"I think moving is the best thing for me. When I ever got injured, on the surface, I would just keep doing my duties. That's the best way to heal."

"That's certainly optimistic of you," I meowed warmly when she had finished. I was conscientious with my words; I knew she was delicate.

"Thanks." Hollyleaf's voice had dropped to a whisper. "Ever since I fell... I've had time to think. That's all I've had time for, really. And I realized... I realized that I have to try harder this time, to stay hopeful. I have to, if I want to see the surface again."

Hope... Was that what I heard?

No. I saw something different in those eyes. Her speech had reminded herself of something; I could see memories washing through her expression, her mind drifting someplace from which I was barred.

* * *

This chapter was a total bitch to edit... much thesaurus-ing was required! Sorry for it being especially short, but that's because I'm prepping for a biggie on Thursday. See you then!!


	11. The Fire Scene

Warning: whatever fire scene you are expecting, this will be a little different.

* * *

"Hollyleaf!" A faraway voice called. "Are you with me?"

But I was not. No longer did I feel bound by reality's weight, or by the dank tunnels that barred me from the surface. I wandered away from the physical realm and retreated to the world of memories.

In particular, the event that led me to "fall" into the tunnels. What I witnessed was seared into my retinas like no other trauma quite was. The surrounding embers danced around my vision playfully, hissing and giggling like mischievous spirits.

A dappled grey tom stood just ahead of me, hunched, his spiteful eyes brighter than the fire itself. When he spoke, his voice was but a rasp despite his youth, as if worn by bitterness and hatred.

"You don't understand. This is the only way to make you feel the same pain you caused me. You tore my heart out when you chose Brambleclaw over me. Anything I did to you would never hurt as much. But these kits..."

His voice dropped, and I realized I was going to die. But my dear brother, Lionblaze, brave and foolish as always, shielded me with his own body.

"If you watch them die, then you'll know the pain I felt."

Trapped here, I felt like no more than prey, and I knew Jayfeather felt the same way, trembling with fear the way he was. Lionblaze, however, seemed unaffected by fear; he let out a booming roar, louder than the spittle of the fire, and leapt at Ashfur.

"Idiot!" The runty tom twisted and struggled but could not break free of Lionblaze's hold. "Do you want to die sooner?"

Lionblaze lifted him by the scruff, and my blood froze in distressed awe. What was he thinking? Surely he isn't planning to murder Ashfur!

"You hurt me," his growl broke, tinged with anguish. Jayfeather trembled next to me, and I could tell he could sense his brother's sincerity. "I was so happy to be your mentor. I wanted to learn from you. But..."

"But you failed!" Ashfur broke free from his grip and clawed at his old apprentice's scar, letting it open once more. I had never learned where he got that scar from, but now I realized it had come from his own mentor. How brutal.

"I was disappointed," Lionblaze mewed like a kit. He always sounded like one, really. I don't think he ever grew out of being an apprentice. "I realized that I will always be stronger than you."

"Maybe so," Ashfur said softly, reaching up until he was practically eye-level with Lionblaze. "But I know something you do not!"

Squirrelflight let out a gasp. "Ashfur, no!"

"She is not your mother. Not by birth," he snarled, ignoring her. "And idiot Brambleclaw isn't your father either. How does that make you feel?"

And with that, the big beastly tom head-butted Ashfur, and sent them both tumbling into the fire. I could see their silhouettes, one lithe and the other heavyset, become enveloped by the blaze. And then, they vanished into the radiant inferno.

My mother was silent. Well, not my real mother, I suppose, but it was hard not to see her as kin. Jayfeather slowly rose from his crouch, blind eyes wide.

"Are they gone?"

I nodded. Of course they were; they had both been swallowed by the fire. My brother was dead.

And, for a fleeting moment, I wished I was, too.


	12. New Exploration

CONTENT WARNING: PANIC ATTACKS, DISSOCIATION

So I know the description also has a content warning, but we haven't really had anything too serious til now so I thought I'd just put a reminder here. I didn't spend very long editing this chapter so sorry if it feels a little rushed! Anyway, enjoy~

* * *

"Hollyleaf!" The voice cried again, through my reminiscence, and brought me back to the dark and twisted tunnels of the real world.

When I reluctantly opened my eyes, ginger paws were shaking me. Ginger like fire...

"You're awake," Fallen Leaves gasped, relieved. "You just totally conked out. I didn't know what was going on. I-"

"Stop it." I could hear it in his tone. I understood now why Jayfeather hated pity; all it did was make me feel small. "I don't need your pity; I'm fine."

Fallen Leaves recoiled as if he had been struck. I wanted to feel guilt, but I couldn't; I had spent far too long on the surface feeling that stabbing feeling in the stomach, reminding you of all you had done wrong.

Down here, I had another chance- a chance to change myself for the better.

"Show me around the tunnels!"

The motley-furred tom perked up immediately; he must really love being a tour guide.

"Certainly," he purred. "There's so much of it- I've had hundreds of moons to see it all, and I still keep finding new caverns and hideaways."

And so we trotted, following the river to its eventual end, and then continuing.

I had time then, to think- which was perhaps what I wanted to do least. That was another thing I had done far too much of on the surface; if there was anything I had learned since I fell, it was that self-reflection brought to light only the darkness within.

Then we stopped. We had entered a cavern which led to nothing but the path we just crossed. The restless pitter-pattering of stalactite tears echoed between each wall, bringing a chaotic harmony to the room not unwelcome.

It would be a fine place to catch a wink. There were no bothersome cave-spirits and, loud as it was was, the underground rain was calming in its own erratic way.

If I stood here too long, I would be sucked into the sound. I had to do _something_.

"Let's race," I offered, and Fallen Leaves stood up with a jolt. He probably forgot I was here; I had been quiet most of the way, after all, so that would not be very surprising. "From here, back to the entrance."

He flashed a grin, teeth white as bone. It was unnerving how... _clean_ he was. "Are you sure you know the way back?"

Now, mind you, I knew he was just worried about me, but I could not help but sense a condescension in his tone. Was I really so incompetent, in his eyes?

"I'll be fine," I said finally, choosing to ignore the hurt behind his words.

"'Righty then. Ready..." He rematerialized, his paws planting firmly into the hard tunnel floor. "Set..."

Before I could even hear the "go", instinct had already launched my paws into movement. It took no input from me whatsoever; my mind was firmly disconnected from the race even as my paws scraped against hard rock and my lungs screamed for air.

The last detail I remember before dissociating completely was the panic of my heart, and my realization that this... this _race_ was a terrible mistake.

**I was not prepared.**


	13. The Search

I know last chapter was a little weird, but hopefully soon we'll have some answers! For now, enjoy some more Fallen Leaves POV!

* * *

I had been sprinting through the tunnels for a long while before I noticed I could no longer hear Hollyleaf's laboured breathing. Had something happened?

I slowed down, turned around, and headed back the opposite way, keeping my eyes peeled for any movement. But there was none, except for the occasional flash of a spirit flitting between walls. My worry grew to fear, and the knot in my stomach kept twisting and twisting at every cavern I entered that Hollyleaf wasn't in.

At some point I must have reached the river again, because I followed that quiet roar until I finally saw a dark shape just ahead.

"Hollyleaf!" I called, as I rushed to her side. Her head was totally submerged in the river, and the only sign she was still alive was the slight rising of her flank, showing she was indeed breathing.

Sinking my teeth into her scruff I pulled her out of the water, and immediately her body convulsed as she coughed and sputtered for air. Her wide eyes opened slowly. "Fallen... Leaves..?"

I hugged her. I could feel the warmth of her body pressed against mine as her head and paws lay limply over my shoulder. She laughed deliriously, being barely conscious.

"I'm so glad you're okay," I choked. "I looked behind me, and you weren't there, and-"

"Shhh," Hollyleaf whispered, pulling out of my embrace. She allowed herself to fall lightly to the floor, head rested on her paws. "Don't worry 'bout me."

I wanted to ask her why not, but she had already closed her eyes, and I could tell she needed some rest after... Well, whatever happened.

But what had truly happened between the start of the race and when I finally noticed her gone? She had seemed fine the whole walk... Was it a concussion?

I can ask her when she wakes up, but I feel that won't be anytime soon.


	14. After the Fire

Oooh, another flashback chapter!

* * *

"Let's make sure the camp is okay," Jayfeather suggested quietly, beginning to pad quickly away. "Maybe you two can help rebuild, and I'll see if there're any injured warriors."

Squirrelflight followed him to camp with reluctance, but I stayed behind. I couldn't bear to leave Lionblaze, not after the sacrifice he had made. Maybe, now that the fire had died down, there would be bones to bury.

Two bright lights appeared from afar, and at first I reasoned they were the last of the fire. But those lights, like hollow stars, were so familiar to me that I was drawn to them.

My paws fluttered lightly across the undergrowth as those lights became eyes, and then became a huge, hulking shape.

"Lionblaze!" I cried, and dug my muzzle into his great mane. My brother, apparently alive, glanced down at me slowly, dazed. He had probably been through a lot.

"Where's mom and Jayfeather?" He asked slowly, pushing me off of him. "I want to see them. Tell them I'm okay."

I didn't speak, but simply gestured to follow and padded back towards camp, being careful to avoid any loose branches. So much of the forest had been decimated by the fire; trees that we had climbed as apprentices had fallen in great black ash piles; charred bones were strewn around the undergrowth as though they had always been there.

We returned at last.

Jayfeather was tending to the wounded as he had promised; Sorreltail's leg was splayed at an odd angle, and he was attempting to put it in a hastily-made cobweb sling.

Though he did not turn to face us, I could see his body stiffen, as if he could sense Lionblaze's presence. At once he finished the sling and rushed over to us, sniffing around the great yellow tom, as if making sure he was there.

Squirrelflight, along with Thornclaw and Brackenfur, were concealing the leader's den with bramble, as the thorns that had once protected it were singed off completely.

By now the whole Clan had gathered around Lionblaze, and he cowered under the admiring faces of his Clanmates. It wasn't like him to be humble- perhaps he felt guilty about Ashfur?

Cloudtail's voice called out from the crowd, his voice fretful and anxious. "Has anycat seen Ashfur?"


	15. Romance? In MY HurtComfort Fanfic?

Uh oh, here comes the stinky FallenHolly shipping!

* * *

I returned to check on Hollyleaf in the morning to find she was already moving about and stretching. She bounded over to me with surprising energy, eyes bright.

"You seem..." I tried to find the words. "Happy?"

She smiled but averted her gaze. "I guess so. I just got a lot of sleep."

Sleep. If there was one thing I missed about being alive, it was the feeling of absolute tranquility. True peace; I missed it so.

"Can we talk?" I asked tentatively. "About what happened during the race?"

"There's not much to say. I had spent so long resting, waiting for my leg to heal, that the sudden movement overwhelmed me. I panicked."

I could not understand, but I did not wish to pressure her further. I was just glad she was okay; well, as okay as the Hopeless One could be.

The air was rife with tension as neither of us spoke or made eye contact. I could hear the wall-spirits' inscrutable mumbling louder than my own thoughts. The silence was everywhere and unrelenting.

"I took a wrong turn." The words came naturally from her, like they required no forethought. Like the sentence had formed independently of her mind. "I got... I got lost. Will that happen again? What if... The next time I got lost... You couldn't find me?"

I embraced her again, like I had when I had found her before. She squirmed defiantly at first, but as the warmth of my material form spread through her own body she stilled.

"I can always find you. I know these tunnels, and I think..."

"Hmm?"

"I think I'm starting to know you, too."


	16. Heartworms

Some time had passed since we shared that embrace, and she had been more restless than ever. Finally, I confronted her. She was pacing back and forth, bushy squirrel-like tail bobbing rhythmically as she did so.

"I have an idea," I said quietly, and, while she did not cease her mindless walk, she angled her ears towards me to show she was listening.

"To keep your mind off of the Clans up here, what if I put you on dawn and dusk border patrols around the tunnels? That way, you can have something to do."

She turned to glare at me, though she nodded. "I'd rather do something useful than go on pretend patrols, but I suppose that would keep my mind off my family up there."

So that was what we did. I would wake her up nice and early for the dawn patrol; after our evening meal we would begin the dusk patrol. We never found anything interesting, mind.

But it really did seem to help her.

On one of our dusk patrols, when the only light we beheld was the light in each other's eyes, the silence became too much to bear.

"Tell me about your brothers," I blurted, nudging her with my phantom shoulder. "Jaywing and Lionsomething?"

"Jayfeather and Lionblaze," she corrected, a sad huff to her mew. "Jayfeather was always mean, but he had good reason to be. He was blind, and everycat was so annoying to him about it. But even though he could be cruel at times, he had a good heart, and a strong sense of justice.

"When I quit being a medicine cat- like a healer," she explained when I raised an eyebrow, "he took my place. At first he hated it. Caring about other cats wasn't exactly his specialty. But his power to feel what other cats felt helped him be a good medicine cat.

"Lionblaze was so astronomically different from him it was strange that they came from the same litter. He was... Okay, I'm not going to sugarcoat this... An idiot. Didn't know anything. Stomped around the forest like a badger with hedgehogs tied to his paws. But... He was sincere, and would do anything for any cat in ThunderClan. He loved being a warrior, and fighting for his Clan.

"One thing I could not stand about him, though, was his brutality. He had no honor in the way he fought. Lionblaze... _killed_ on the battlefield, and shrugged it off like it was nothing. It probably was like nothing to him.

"They had their faults, but I loved them dearly. I especially feel guilty about Lionblaze. He was wronged by me most of all."

I couldn't believe that. Hollyleaf would never hurt anyone except herself. But I also had faith she was telling the truth.

"If you don't mind me asking..."

"Hm?"

"...how did you wrong him?"

She sighed and paused, at the entrance to a cave that seemed to glow from within. I was caught between wanting to enter, and bathe in the glowworms' light, or stop to listen to her tale.

I sat down next to her, and then she began her tale, that started after the Clan discovered Ashfur's mangled body...


	17. The Funeral

There was a funeral. While Squirrelflight took it upon herself to attend, we stood by the sidelines, watching as they put what was left of Ashfur to rest. Ferncloud, Cloudtail, and Dustpelt were the only cats to speak; excepting Leafpool, of course, as she had to perform the farewell ceremony.

"Sometimes I felt as if my brother and I were alone against the world," mewed Ferncloud, voice almost too quiet to hear and broken by grief. "After our mother died, we were the ones to bury her. And now, I will be the one to bury him."

The cats that had gathered dipped their heads in solemn acknowledgement of the siblings' close bond. And then, silence.

Cloudtail rose to speak. His voice was loud and more steady than Ferncloud's, but his deep blue eyes were dark in sorrow as he spoke.

"When my mother gave me to Firestar, I was separated from my siblings. But I never felt alone, thanks to Ash and Fern. Ashfur was great fun, and Ferncloud was always there whenever I missed Twolegplace.

"I hope, brother in spirit, that your last moments treated you as kindly as you treated every cat."

Jayfeather winced, and the cringe was mutual. If only they knew how he threatened to kill us all.

It surprised me that Dustpelt was one of the speakers, as I did not know how they were related.

"Uncle," My disaffected brother grunted. "They weren't really close. But, after Brindleface died and Whitestorm was overtaken with deputy duties, he acted as their distant but caring father."

I nodded, grateful for his exposition, though I wondered from where he had gotten that information. A dream? Through emotion-reading?

"I wonder, when the fire grew to unimaginable heights and smoke filled the air, if he knew he was going to die. Because I think he did. Every cat does. You can see in their eyes; a flash, a realization, if I may, of their hopes being torn away from them."

Where was he going with this?

"I take comfort in that. There was no shock, and he is not sorrowful in StarClan, or wondering what he could have done to prevent his demise. There is comfort in that thought, at least for me. Leafpool?"

I turned my head towards the medicine cat, who had been quiet until now. Leafpool's gaze was calm as she stepped into the moonlight; her light brown fur glowed a pure white. "Ashfur, here your body lays, though we all know your spirit lies elsewhere; may your soul find peace at last."

Lionblaze had left already; when had he had enough? I could still taste his scent on the breeze.

It wasn't characteristic of him to run off like that.

I needed to find him!


	18. Brief Hiatus

Hey all,

Brief hiatus for a little while !

No real reason, it's just I'm afraid of burnout as I've been publishing something just about every day or every other. I'll be taking a week or so off to gather ideas, and then I'll be back!

Also, the chapters lately have been really short, so this break will also help increase new chapter length, as I'll have more of an idea what I'm doing.

Dunno how long this hiatus will last but it won't be too long! Maybe 1-2 weeks max.


	19. Dearest Brother

Sorry for the especially short chapter, especially after such a long hiatus! I'm working on another fic at the moment so this will probably only update sporadically. Look forward to a longer chapter in the near future!!

* * *

Jayfeather may have called after me. Then again, maybe he didn't even notice I was gone; and, even if he could sense my presence fade, would he care enough to say anything?

I wanted to watch the rest of the funeral with him, but I could not leave Lionblaze alone by himself.

The smoke had reached the camp and I was having difficulty catching my brother's scent. So I wandered, until instead of hard stone walls pressed against my pelt there were thick branches. Did he escape back to the forest?

Was he looking for Ashfur?

I found him with his back turned, facing the dying wildfire. His normally bright and confident amber eyes were dark now, and reflected a world of pain.

"Brother?" My paw felt his, and a faint smile stretched across his muzzle. He wanted company, I could tell. "Why did you run off so? That's unlike you."

Lionblaze turned to face me, though his eyes were averted, still watching the faint flickers of light among the dead black trees. "I couldn't watch it, Hollyleaf. I've... killed so many. But, watching that funeral, I... I never thought about what I was doing."

He lifted his paws, as if to strike, and I flinched instinctively. But instead he gripped my shoulders, gently but firmly. "You can't... tell... anyone."

Fallen Leaves pressed one paw to his muzzle, a gesture that betrayed both surprise and wonder. "What then?"

My words were hollow and cold. Like they were wrapped in ice. "I...

"told...

"everyone."


	20. Family

Okay, Why She Fell is back on! I've decided to postpone my other fanfic's writing until this one is finished or at least hits a good stopping point.

* * *

Time had passed since her confession. I don't know how long; entire days feel like only moments when you're as old as I. Her leg was completely healed, and I figured that injury must have been the reason for her panic attack during our race. She said she had lost focus almost immediately, which seemed less anxiety and more... the shock that comes with such a sudden burst of energy.

I'm sure you're not hear to listen to what Hollyleaf calls "medicine cat babble", however, so let's continue with the story.

Hollyleaf had learned much under my watch; her vision was sharp enough to navigate even the darkest of the catacombs, and no fish could escape her swift and calculated swipes.

But one aspect of the Tunnels she did not know much of at all was eating her inside, I could feel it.

Me. She knew nothing about _me_. This became apparent one day, when I was once again showing her the cave scrawlings, but the ceiling ones this time.

"It's you!" she gasped, reaching her paw out. Indeed it was; a crude inscription showing a cat underwater. A leaf symbol was marked in the cat's belly- that was my identifier. Each 'cat' mark, in fact, had a symbol inside that gave a hint as to who the drawing was referring to. "But who are the other cats?"

Beside the image of my untimely demise were three cats stood beside an empty pit. My grave. But, alas, they had no body to bury, which explains its, erm... vacancy.

Two of the cats had no real features of note, though one was more slender than the rest, with a crying eye held in her belly.

"That's my family." It was difficult to hold back the cracking in my mew. So long it had been...

I must have done a great job disguising my sorrow, because Hollyleaf's voice remained upbeat. _Oddly_ so.

"If they're your family, then they must be Ancients, too?"

"I... yes, I suppose so."

"Then why don't you go see them? They must miss you."

I had been keeping it in for so long, I guess. That's really the only excuse for what followed such an innocent question.

That wave of _loneliness_, of _isolation_, of being _stuck_ in these tunnels for far to long... it had crashed at the shore. And, when it pulled back, I felt as if it had took the whole beach with it.

Nothing but water, forever. Separating me from the family once so close.

It seems like an overreaction now, I'm sure, but you must understand that I had spent the better part of ten thousand moons trying to forget my family.

And she had brought those memories flooding back.

I shook my head and stood up. So did she, too, worry flashing in her emerald gaze.

"I-I need to go..."

"Wait!" she called. "I'm sorry! Where are you going?"

It was too late. I was already gone.

Was I going to get away from her? From the memories?

Or was I going _to_ someplace? To my family- to the resting place of the Ancients?

I don't think even I knew then.

But I knew I couldn't stop.


	21. Eyes Like Fire

I didn't know why Fallen Leaves ran off like that, but I felt a distinct sinking of my heart when he did.

Like it was my fault- like what I had said had sparked something in him. Had I driven him away?

I suppose it was foolish of me to bring family up. StarClan knows I don't have a stable bond with my family either. But I was so desperate to learn more about him, I suppose I took it too far... tread where it wasn't my business to tread, in a way.

So I wandered through the tunnels, in the general direction he had run off in. Half of my time was spent feeling the wall inscriptions with my paw, as if searching for meaning within them. The other half was spent wasting my breath calling for him until my voice was hoarse and ragged.

"Fallen Leaves!" I yowled into the darkness. I was surprised to hear an answer. It was quiet, and muffled, that reply, so as a result I couldn't quite understand what it was saying.

The voice was too high-pitched to be Fallen Leaves, I knew that- was it another Tunnel Spirit? Fallen Leaves informed me they lurked in the deeper tunnels, where I was now, but I had never met any except for the Wall-Spirits, who, for the most part, did not speak coherently. And, if it was a cat watching me from the darkness, I would be able to see its eyes glittering like two cold flames from within the dark beyond. Burning into me.

"Yip!" Cried the voice again. "Yip!"

"I can't understand you!" I tried to yell, though the still, humid air of the tunnels did not carry my voice far and I doubt they heard.

I took a few tentative pawsteps, and the darkness retreated a little as my eyes adjusted. And finally, my eyes fell on a dark, shivering shape just out of my reach, its ginger fur matted and stained with muck and debris.

It was a fox cub. Its fur was bristled and its lips curled in a snarl as it snapped at the Wall-Spirits slowly closing around it. Even though it was just a stupid fox, I felt sympathy for the poor thing.

So I pounced in the direction of the cub, and quickly the Wall-Spirits dispersed, whispering nonsense among themselves. It looked up at me, dark eyes wide, before fearfully burying its head in my thick fur, whimpering softly.

Then I realized what probably should have crossed my mind earlier.

If a fox cub was able to find its way in... a cat might be able to get out.


	22. The Morning Of

NOTE: In my au the Ancients are Scottish, so in the dialogue there is some Scottish slang. If you don't understand what they're saying, either look it up or read the whole sentence aloud, as a lot of it is phonetic.

"Ma! Ma!" I cried, sinking my paws into Broken Shadow's thick fur. She stirred, albeit slowly, and stared at me with half-closed amber eyes.

"Ma's sleeping, dear. Gang to bed."

I shook her again, tugging at her fur excitedly. Surely I was being annoying, though even now I know my softpaw self had good reason to be. Today was the day I had been waiting for since I was born.

The day I would become a sharpclaw... or die trying.

"It's the big day!" I yowled in her ear, and she shook me off with a grunt before stretching. "I'm gaunnae be a sharpclaw!"

Her eyes brightened some; I remember it irked me at the time that she had forgotten, but to be fair I was the first of her kits to take the assessment. She wasn't a bad mother, and probably forgot about my sharpclaw ceremony because she was so protective as to never talk about the assessment within earshot.

See, unlike you warriors, with your apprentices, my kin only had softpaws, who were cats under eight moons old, and sharpclaws, who were older. The moment you are born you are a softpaw, and you become a sharpclaw only after surviving the assessment.

"Oh, dear me," she chastised herself. "I must hae forgotten! You're probably late by noo, and Rock willnae keep the tunnel gates open for long."

"He's gaunnae die!" sang my younger sister, Far Field, and Dark Sky nodded enthusiastically. Broken Shadow's eyes darkened, and for a moment I was confused. Why did she take my siblings' jeering so seriously? Did she agree with them?

"Cut thon oot," Broken Shadow hissed, using her paw to guide them in line beside her. "We're gaunnae wish yer older brother good luck at the gates, and I will hear naw mair nonsense frae either of ye!"

I took in a deep breath, feeling how the crisp air cooled and calmed my rapid heartbeat. This day was one I had been training for since I could walk. My first hunt, my first run, my first Frozen Song Festival... they all led up to this moment.

_I am ready!_


	23. Companionship

Sorry if this chapter comes off as rushed- I worked really quickly to get this one out!

I comforted the fox kit through what I perceived to be nighttime. Obviously, it was difficult to tell when exactly time passed, but for the sake of my sanity I tried to adhere to the passage of time. When I instinctively caught a second bat for Fallen Leaves, I fed it to the kit, and she ate ravenously.

After a little while, she began to warm up to me. Her dark eyes shone less with fear and more with admiration. It felt odd, knowing the kit would grow to be almost twice my size, and yet she looked up to me so. However, just feeding and soothing her was not quite enough. If I was going to play her mother, if only for a brief time, I would have to act like one. I let her chase and pin down my thick, squirrelly tail, and when she stared up at me expectantly I would toss a small stone or dried leaf for her to fetch. It was a little mind-numbing, but it felt good to take care of something for once. But one of those times, when I was hesitant to throw the stone again, a searing flash of pain shot up my leg.

When I glanced down, I saw the kit's needle-like teeth sunk into my flesh and shook her off quickly, letting out a low growl to, hopefully, communicate my pain to her. And then I realized what should have been obvious. Even at such a young age, a fox can be dangerous. It feels silly saying it now, but I had named her Firekit, after my grandfather and, once, my leader. When a couple hours had passed of me wandering through the tunnels, still calling for Fallen Leaves, and of Firekit following me loyally wherever I went, I decided it was nighttime. Instinctively I shied away as she attempted to burrow her small body into my fur, but I eventually gave in and let her take in my warmth.

We slept through the night.

I awoke to see a half-see-through tom standing over me, pale green eyes dark with concern. My heart fluttered. "Fallen Leaves!"

We embraced briefly, but only after we were separate did I notice the worry in Fallen Leaves' wide eyes. When I inquired what could be the matter, he chuckled sadly. Even as I tried to gauge his expression, he did not look at me, as if he was ashamed of his own concern. "When I ran off, I discovered an opening, and, well… I got worried. You were nowhere to be found, and I… I thought about how lonely I would be if you were to leave."

While I had sympathy for the sorrowful spirit, at the same time it felt as if he was trying to… to sentence me here. I needed to respond in a way that made clear that this tunnel life was temporary while still comforting him. "You don't need to worry." I placed one paw on his shoulder in an attempt to soothe his nerves. "I'm here because I wanted to get away from the Clans. I can't stay here forever, but I'll only leave when I feel I'm ready."

Though tears still sparkled at the edges of the dappled tom's eyes, he nodded, and shrugged off my paw. "I get that. No mortal cat can have a real life here, I know that much. But… it's good to know I'll have company for a little while yet."


End file.
